i lost my spark and i wanna get it back so here is how i am going to do that

i have got to start living again... i need to start living right this second or i may never live again.

I had an epiphany yesterday.

I don’t really have those all that often. It takes a lot of thought and reflection for me to have a big perspective shift, and even then it is gradual, it is a gentle swell of the river when it becomes hightide, it is slow and deliberate and it is easy to digest.

Not this time. This time, the epiphany hit me like a freight train going over a hundred miles per hour. This time, the dawning came over me violently, it took me by the shoulders and shook me senseless. I quite literally snapped out of it.

I had been sitting at my desk, watching YouTube on my phone. I had just spent all day at work watching YouTube, and after I got home, promptly got back on my video-watching spree. A sudden sickness came over me, and I paused the video, and stared down at my desk, and the sickness became bigger than myself, became a shadow hanging over my head.

Oh, Gods, what have I been doing with myself? I have been wasting away.

I realized a lot of things; I had been escaping and disassociating, especially in social media and video-watching apps, I had been eating exceptionally poor, lots of fast food, been drinking excessive amounts of caffeine, and over all had let myself and my ambitions go. I no longer had the motivation to read, or write much, and I didn’t actively try to get inspired, or push through the blank page days. Instead I gave into all my vices. I began taking naps after work and stayed up late and excused my laziness for resting.

I want to make it clear that I know resting is very important, especially for creative persons (such as myself) but there is a hard line between resting and being lazy and letting yourself drift. I have been letting the current take me instead of swimming against it - and I have been doing so for a long time, it is crossing over into months of this behavior and I am so tired of being tired.

All this to say, I have not been okay. I have been struggling. But I haven’t caught onto that fact because I have been distracting myself enough to numb out the pain. I stared down at my desk for what felt like hours, letting the fact that I have been numb and wasting away come over and consume me. I felt ashamed, embarrassed. I felt sick. What have I been doing?

I decided right there and then that I needed to change things, right then, right there, at that very second. I could not push it off, I needed to start actively changing what I was doing for the better or I would never start. I stopped the video I was playing and deleted Instagram so I wouldn’t be tempted to scroll. I put my phone down and assessed what I could do at that very moment. It was getting late, and the first thing I thought of was going on a walk and getting some fresh air. I grabbed my keys and my earbuds and I was off.

I am very thankful to live so close to a gorgeous park that offers plenty of hiking trails and access to a river, so I rushed over there to get some more perspective. I listened to some new music that stirred some emotions in me and told my best friend of my epiphany and all that I was going to do to get back to myself. I wrote a poem and starred at the water and took a brief stroll to get the blood pumping. After that I went to the store and set myself up for success - I bought salads, bananas, granola bars, yogurt, and coffee so I would stop buying to-go coffees at the gas station before work. I got snacks for work too and made the promise to myself to drink more water, that I had to pull it back on the energy drinks. It is so important to feed the body good quality fuel, and I have been giving it nothing but junk.

I got home with the groceries and decided I needed to clean my room and start some laundry. I did that and then packed my bag for work in the morning and set everything out like I usually do. Another key factor to getting my life together was my sleep schedule. I needed to get back on track. I had begun taking naps after work and that was severely affecting how much sleep I would get at night. I work a first shift job and have to be at work by 6am, and I have been so tired, I haven’t wanted to do anything at work to be productive. I took a melatonin and did a five minute sleep meditation, another thing I had fallen out of practice with.

It is the next day as I am writing this, and already I can feel the change in me. I am determined to be better, to be honest with myself and explain to my loved ones I am struggling. I am not out of the woods yet, though, I still have lots of work to do.

I need to make new goals for myself to work towards, so I am going to do that here, and hopefully, through the act of typing this all out, I will be more motivated than ever to stick with these practices.

1. Meditate before work and before I go to sleep, at least twice a day for five minutes. This completely changes my mindset and it is so important I stay on track with that for the betterment of my anxiety.

2. Drink only one cup of coffee and stick with water, at least throughout the work day. I am extremely dehydrated and that affects everything, from my energy levels to my mood. Less energy drinks!

3. Realistic to-do lists! I write up a stupidly long list every time I get home and I get discouraged so I need to be more forgiving with myself and write smaller, more manageable lists.

4. Be spiritual again. I need to pray more and continue my research into my religion and belief system. I need to actively journal again about my faith and give time to be present with it.

5. Stay active. I need to be active at some point in the day. Especially in the evenings, when the sun is going down. It doesn’t have to be a long walk every time, I just need to get moving, to feel the blood flow and get a little winded. Anything is better than nothing.

6. I need to read everyday. I need to start absorbing information, I need to shut off my phone for at least an hour and focus on a piece of text. I haven’t finished a book in two months… as a self-proclaimed avid reader that is unacceptable.

7. Sleeping well. I need to prioritize sleep again, and not in the middle of the afternoon, either, I need to sleep at night, at my usual times, and stop making excuses as to why I am staying up later when I know I need a lot of sleep to function.

I think that is it? Maybe? I may add more to the list in my head as time goes on. I am glad that I wrote everything out, I needed to see everything splayed out on the screen to better understand the changes needing to be made.

Have you lost your spark before? Is it still lost? Did you ever find it again, and if you did, how did you get it back? Let me know!

Thank you so much for reading my ramblings.